Duke enters the arena
by projectarnold
Summary: A short crossover story I wrote


The cycloid emperor bore down on top of him. Duke's face was boiling from the creature's breath. 

"Damn, what did you have for breakfast this morning, a sewage works!"

The emperor responded with nothing but a throaty growl. He pressed down harder on Duke's arms with his feet.

"Any last requests Nukem, before I blow the shit outta you"

Duke grunted "not one, WINKY, not one"

"Can I get you anything?"

Duke hesitated "well maybe"

"Pray tell"

"Your ugly stinking hole OUTTA MY FUCKING FACE!"

With that Duke tore his arms from under the cycloids feet, reached for his shotgun and unloaded a shell in the monsters crotch.

"Better cancel the celebratory dinner with the wife you dickweed"

The monster howled with pain and bent double to the ground. Duke tossed the empty shotgun to the ground and leapt onto the emperors back clutching its head in both hands.

"Time for one last screw, huh-huh"

Taking a huge breath he wrenched the monsters head round 360 and leapt to the ground. The cycloid emperor looked at him through his 2-foot eye and fell to his knees.

"You bleach blonde bastarrddddddd"

With a final choke and howl he fell to the ground and a huge head rolled towards Duke Nukem

"Hhhmmmmm d-e-c-a-p-I-t-a-t-I-o-n. Oh yeah, and this is my natural colour shitrag. Speaking of which I could do with a dump right now and I see a perfectly good neck-hole."

Duke unbuckled his pants and started to take a seat when a blinding flash filled his eyes and then blackness.

When Duke came round he was standing in a dark area with nothing but a bench and a bright light shining down on the middle.

"Geez, cant a guy even use the john without being teleported nowadays! Where the hell is this"

As he pulled up his jeans he looked around him. A thick red fog covered the horizon as far as the eye could see. The bench was made of solid wood and was covered in blood.

"I dunno what the hells going on here but I seriously need a shit. Where can you find a hole in the ground round here"

Duke walked off into the distance. As he came to the red fog he started to feel an odd tingling sensation all over his body. The fog seemed to hang in the air behind some sort of invisible barrier. Duke stopped thought about it, and then took a huge step into the fog.

A terrible pain wracked his body. He felt his blood boiling and his organs frying. It felt like all his limbs were being pulled in different directions and before he knew it he saw all his body parts including his head ripped from his body and turned inside out.

In a second he was sitting back on the bench.

"Holy shit, I fell like I just drank a gallon of snakebite"

A voice radiated from the blackness.

"That's what we call the "hangover" you always feel a bit weird after your first fragging, it'll pass with time"

A tall man in round about his 50's stepped into the light. He was wearing bulky combat armour and had half a cigar torching in his mouth.

Duke grunted "who the fuck are you buddy and what the hell just happened to me, one minute I'm in 20 pieces the next I'm sitting on my can. I heard of reincarnation but this takes the piss"

The cigar guy laughed a gravel throated laugh "that's called regeneration son. The Vadrigar brought you here. They pick warriors from all over the galaxy to come and fight here in the arena eternal. When they sense a great man or woman performing a deed that entitles them to a place here in the Mecca for combat they bring them here for their amusement. Death is just a mistake in this place, if you get shot, blown up or walk into the fog of death like you did you'll just be resurrected ready to fight again."

Duke paused…"that's a real nice fairy story but it still don't explain why I'm really here and why I shouldn't just go and kick the Vadri-whatever's ass and hightail it outta here."

"Because you cant just go kick their ass son, because you cant. You're damn tough and you got a good chance in this arena but you still can never beat the Vadrigar. They want combat and you give it to 'em. Do well enough in their little contests and you earn the right to go home. Don't do well and you spend all eternity battling for their pleasure. Now shut up and accept it you got an hour before your title fight against me. I'm Sarge by the way son."

"O.K I'll go out there and I'll fight but only cause I wanna kick your ass too. After this those Vadrigar and me are gonna have some serious words ending with me going home. And stop it with this "son" shit I ain't part of your little Vadrigar posse"

Sarge laughed again "Here's your gun see you in an hour."

He tossed Duke a machine-gun and disappeared into the darkness. As he walked to the Vadrigar head council to inform them of the match he thought to himself. What if the boy wouldn't stick around? He could tell he would get to and beat Xaero in only a matter of years whilst he himself had promised to supervise the contest for all eternity alongside the Vadrigar. What if Duke wouldn't stay after he'd won, he'd never get to know him.

As he entered the dimly lit halls a booming voice echoed from the tables.

"SARGE, DID NUKEM ARRIVE?"

"He did sir, he did"

"WE, THE VADRIGAR, HOPE THAT HE WILL PROVIDE US WITH THE SAME LEVELS OF SERVICE AND ENTERTAINMENT THAT HIS FATHER DID"

Sarge Nukem spat out his cigar.

"So do I sir, so do I."       


End file.
